Every now and then, I’d have the compulsion (or, just end up accidentally) clicking and watching my old video recordings… and subsequently wondering where on earth did that carefree, cutesy, bubbly person go? What happened to her?
I do miss my younger self, to a certain extent.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that everything I’ve gone through in life shapes the person I am today. It’s just that I also wonder if that perhaps along with the experience of growing up, I could have kept some of that youngish vibe? Do I still have it, hidden somewhere within me, under the rubble of daily stresses like money and deadlines?
So, it’s time for some self reflection. Can I find that part of me which I feel I have misplaced?
Along with my exuberance, I feel that perhaps I have also forgotten about my dream – the dream to conquer the stage. Yeah, that one.
I’m not certain if you were aware of this fact but Brian Littrell of BSB has a vocal condition called Muscle Tension Dysphonia or something like that. Bottom line is, he’s getting much, much better however, during his toughest moments, he struggled to sing those notes which normally just flow like a river of gold out of his mouth. Sigh. Anyway, once I started researching his condition, I wondered if perhaps all this vocal fatigue, flips and shakes that I keep experiencing (especially within the past year) could be something which I should view from a medical standpoint rather than merely thinking “oh, I’m losing my touch” or “nah, you weren’t that good of a singer to begin with”. I am my own worst critic. It kinda sucks when you, yourself, give you hate comments, lol.
Back to my video hopping down virtual memory lane, I decided to take stock of how my singing has changed over the years. Yes, it flowed more easily and the feels was stronger back when I was younger. However, there was a definite lack in power and oomph in those vocals. So, I guess on my way to becoming a better singer, I needed to strengthen those coordinations and muscles that hadn’t been in use for the past, oh, 25 years?
Perhaps I am good enough, or better than many… I just need to figure out where I went wrong and start doing it right… right?
So… what do I do now? That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it.
I have decided (as of today) that I am going to keep listening to my favourite artists (namely the one and only BSB) and remind myself that the person I want to be is one who is full of positive energy, who can inspire and touch others through my vocal delivery. Let’s face it, what’s the point if I learn to hit all the notes but I sing like a robot who no one remembers? I want to be like the Boys who make me flashback different stages of my life with each different song or album. To be one who tugs on those invisible heartstrings of anyone who happens to be listening. That’s who I want to be.
Now I just have to print this out and remind myself everyday, coz I may forget. Let’s not do that again girl, you can do this… believe in YOU! :)